| I have a daughter , Mulan . And when she was eight , last year , she was doing a report for school , or she had some homework about frogs . And we were at this restaurant . And she said , " So , basically , frogs lay eggs and the eggs turn into tadpoles , and tadpoles turn into frogs . " And I said , " Yeah . You know , I 'm not really up on my frog reproduction that much . It 's the females , I think , that lay the eggs . And then the males fertilize them . And then they become tadpoles and frogs . " And she says , " What ? Only the females have eggs ? " And I said , " Yeah . " And she goes , " And what 's this fertilizing ? " So I kind of said , " Oh , it 's this extra ingredient , you know , that you need to create a new frog from the mom and dad frog . " And she said , " Oh , so is that true for humans too ? " And I thought , " Okay , here we go . " I did n't know it would happen so quick , at eight . I was trying to remember all the guidebooks , and all I could remember was , " Only answer the question they 're asking . Do n't give any more information . " So I said , " Yes . " And she said , " And where do , where do human women , where do women lay their eggs ? " And I said , " Well , funny you should ask . We have evolved to have our own pond . We have our very own pond inside our bodies . And we lay our eggs there . We do n't have to worry about other eggs or anything like that . It 's our own pond . And that 's how it happens . " And she goes , " Then how do they get fertilized ? " And I said , " Well , Men , through their penis , they fertilize the eggs by the sperm coming out . And you go through the woman 's vagina . " And so we 're just eating , and her jaw just drops , and she goes , " Mom ! Like where you go to the bathroom ? " And I said , " I know . I know . " ( Laughter ) That 's how we evolved . It does seem odd . It is a little bit like having a waste treatment plant right next to an amusement park . Bad zoning . But ... She 's like , " What ? " And she goes , " But Mom , but men and women ca n't ever see each other naked , Mom . So how could that ever happen ? " And then I put my Margaret Mead hat on . " Human males and females develop a special bond , and when they 're much older , much , much older than you , and they have a very special feeling , then they can be naked together . " And she said , " Mom , have you done this before ? " And I said , " Yes . " And she said , " But Mom , you ca n't have kids . " Because she knows that I adopted her and that I ca n't have kids . And I said , " Yes . " And she said , " Well , you do n't have to do that again . " And then I said , " ... " And then she said , " But how does it happen when a man and woman are together ? Like , how do they know that 's the time ? Mom , does the man just say , 'Is now the time to take off my pants ? ' " ( Laughter ) And I said , " Yes . " ( Laughter ) " That is exactly right . That 's exactly how it happens . " So then we 're driving home , and she 's looking out the window , and she goes , " Mom , what if two people just saw each other on the street , like a man and a woman , and they just started doing it . Would that ever happen ? " And I said , " Oh , no . Humans are so private . Oh no . " And then she goes , " What if there was like a party . And there was just like a whole bunch of girls and a whole bunch of boys . And there was a bunch of men and women and they just started doing it , Mom ? Would that ever happen ? " And I said , " Oh , no , no . That 's not how we do it . " Then we got home and we see the cat . And she goes , " Mom , how do cats do it ? " And I go , " Oh , it 's the same . It 's basically the same . " And then she got all caught up in the legs . " But how would the legs go , Mom . I do n't understand the legs . " She goes , " Mom , everyone ca n't do the splits . " And I go , " I know , but the legs ... " I 'm like , " The legs get worked out . " And she goes , " But I just ca n't understand it . " So I go , " You know , why do we go on the Internet , and maybe we can see ... " like on Wikipedia . So we go online , and we put in cats mating . And , unfortunately , on Youtube , there 's many cats mating videos . And we watched them , and I 'm so thankful , because she 's just like , " Wow ! This is so amazing . " She goes , " What about dogs ? " So we put in dogs mating , and , you know , we 're watching it , and she 's totally absorbed . And then she goes , " Mom , do you think they would have on the Internet , any humans mating ? " ( Laughter ) And then I realized that I had taken my little eight year-old 's hand , and taken her right into Internet porn . And I looked into this trusting , loving face , and I said , " Oh , no . That would never happen . " Thank you . ( Applause ) Thank you . ( Applause ) Thank you . I 'm so happy to be here . |